Okay. So Thanksgiving Day is just around the corner and we are all getting ready to sink our teeth into some scrumptious food and gain at least five pounds. The menu has been planned, the house has been decided on, the time has been set, and the people have been invited. But sometimes, my dear Black folks can turn the Thanksgiving holiday into Thanksgiving hell. So here are a few rules to help my beautiful Black people have a great (drama free) Thanksgiving Day:
1. STOP inviting Mia to the house for Thanksgiving dinner when you know damn well that her and your cousin Leroy have gotten a divorce over ten years ago. This makes his new wife, Sheila, feel extremely uncomfortable because she already knows that Mia don’t like her at all. Not only that, this situation makes every one wait in anticipation to see if Mia and Sheila are beat the hell outta each other.
2. STOP inviting Uncle Juno…PERIOD. You know damn well that he drinks up all the liquor and then he sits at the table and tells the same stupid stories of which relative slept with his ex-wife, back in the 1977. After he’s done eating, he lays on the couch sleeping and farting which makes all the little kids (and the dog) quickly leave the room in horror.
3. DON’T invite your coworker Sherry to your home for Thanksgiving dinner if you haven’t warned her in advance that your family are a bunch of jackasses. At least have the decency to warn her that she’s about to experience some craziness on several levels. She will then be able to understand why Uncle Thomas, with his bottom row of teeth missing, is flirting with her and telling her that he’s looking for a wife.
4. TELL your brother, Jerome, to sit his fat ass down and stop eating up all of the collard greens. He weighs at least three-hundred fifty pounds and got the nerve to watch people fix their plates because he wanna make sure that there’s enough food left for him to have at least five helpings of everything. He didn’t cook a damn thing but yet he’s all up in the kitchen, patrolling the food. And when it’s time to eat, he’s the first one to get him a seat, elbowing your grandma outta the way.
5. If you want to invite your cousin Clarence to your house for Thanksgiving dinner, let him know that his ‘Girlfriend of the Week’, doesn’t need to bring her vegan ass to the gathering, frowning upon people who are eating things that she despise. Your family don’t wanna hear about how they should be ashamed of eating a fried turkey that died for them. Your family really don’t give a damn about that. Nobody asked for her nutritional advice, especially when they’re sucking down good ol’ macaroni and cheese, collard greens, fried turkey, and candied yams.
6. You know that Tameka is coming…and she’s bringing all six of her kids with her. They are all under the age of seven and you know damn well that they are unruly as hell. And you know that if you verbally discipline any one of them for coming into your house and acting a fool, Tameka is gonna get extremely offended and be ready to fight. So you might not wanna invite her. Oh yeah, she’ll be mad…but so what.
7. If your folks wanna take them a plate home, it’s okay. Most people do that at every family gathering. BUT don’t allow your cousin Eva to leave the house with two big bags full of food as if your house is a grocery store. First of all, her stuck-up ass don’t even socialize with the family and she’s NEVER invited any of the relatives to her house for ANYTHING. So stop her behind before she even get out of the door.
That is all. Govern yourself accordingly and have a great Thanksgiving Day.
Copyright © 2013 by Sonica Jackson
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