Please help me to understand something: Why is it that when you’re content in your happiness, everyone else thinks that you shouldn’t be? Nowadays, you have women damn near racing down the aisle to get married and just because I’m not one of them, everyone wants to look at me as if I should be ashamed of that.
I can’t begin to tell you how many times certain relatives have asked me questions such as “Sonica, when are you getting married?” and when I tell them that I’m not really focused on that type of thing, people look at me as if I farted. At one point, some people started to think that I was gay simply because I wasn’t in a relationship. But anybody who knows me, knows damn well that I’m not attracted to women at all. I don’t have anything against lesbians but a man is the only one that gets my blood pumping. Thank you very much.
Every time I turned around, I was getting pressured into getting married either by relatives or church members and it got so bad, that I started to believe the lie that Sonica needed to get married in order to be happy. All of a sudden, I started reading all types of bridal magazines, dating like crazy, looking at wedding cakes, picking out wedding colors, and doing everything that I could think of to prepare myself for getting married. And why? Because it was what EVERYONE ELSE wanted for me…but deep down, I knew that I wasn’t ready for any of that.
So I have a public announcement to make for all of the single ladies out there: Don’t cave into the pressure of getting married if it’s not your time right now. Maybe someday you will want that and you will be ready but don’t go for something before it’s time for you to have it. That’s like taking a cake outta the oven before it is finished baking. TAKE YOUR TIME. Don’t worry about what others may think of you. They may envy where you are in life and may be miserable as hell in their own marriage. When you’re happy in the space that you’re in, you may prevent a might-as-well marriage. What’s a might-as-well marriage? Well, I’m glad that you asked that question.
I came up with this term a few years ago when I started to understand why a lot of women were flocking to the alter in abundance. A might-as-well marriage is the bottom of the barrel of all marriages. No one should ever want a marriage like that because it is doomed to fail. Basically, it’s that type of marriage that you settle for when you feel like you don’t have any other options. For example, you and your man have been together for three or more years and you’ve been dropping hint after hint that you wanna get married but Mr. Man refuses to budge.
So after several years have passed, you get the whole “We’ve been together this long so we might as well just go ahead and get married” proposal. Oh yeah, you may think that he wants to marry you because he loves you but what you may not know is that Mr. Man wanted to see if he had a chance with any other woman before settling down with you or maybe he’s deciding to marry you because he’s been pressured into it by his own folks. That may be the reason why he gave you that god-awful proposal with absolutely no love in his voice and no enthusiasm. Instead, he’s acting as if he’s just trying to get it over with, as if he’s going to the dentist.
Although marriage is a beautiful thing, don’t spend your time worrying about when it’s gonna happen for you. Instead, concern yourself with other things. I, myself, am more concerned with trying to save money so that I can take a trip to London and see the sights. When it is time for me to get married, I will get married and be the best wife in the world. But as of right now, I’m more focused on other things such as my career as a writer and trying to better myself as an individual. And you single women out there should do the same and not feel bad if marriage hasn’t happened for you yet.
Yes, there will be people looking at you sideways because you’re at a certain age and you’re not married. Let them think what they want to think because the main ones that have something to say about you being single, will be the main ones crying to you about their man troubles and in less than five years, they’ll either be divorced, separated, or my personal favorite, “We’re just hanging in there for the sake of the kids,” which falls right up there with the might-as-well marriage.
Men come and men go. At either rate, you must be happy with your life as it is and appreciate every moment of it. And let me go ahead and clean up this lie while I have the chance: I was recently told of a pastor in Atlanta who foolishly made a statement to his congregation by saying that all single women are desperate. Considering the fact that he’s an educated man, I thought that he had more sense than to believe that garbage. It’s true that there are some women out there who are desperate for marriage but when you put the word “all” into the sentence, you are talking about me and every other single woman out there.
If he truly did make that statement, let me go ahead and clear that up immediately: There are many single women, such as myself, who have absolutely NO REASON to be desperate. When it comes to being desperate for a man or marriage, that term doesn’t even exist in Sonica Land. And if all single women are so-called “desperate”, we have the married folks to thank for that because they are constantly pressuring single people to go down the aisle.
That statement that he allegedly made is one of the reasons why single people get treated as if they need to be in exile. A person being single may just be where God want them to be at that particular moment and if that’s the season that God wants that person to be in at the moment, LET THEM BE. Don’t tamper with God’s doing just because you’re married and you think that they should be married too. To all married people that think like this, have a couple of seats.
And another thing: When you get married, don’t treat your single friends like wet garbage. The minute some of you get a ring on your finger, some of you forget that you were once single and then you start alienating your single friends. I had a good friend that I was cool with and the minute she got married, she acted as if I was a total stranger. Of course, I had enough sense to know that we wouldn’t be able to hang as much as we did because she now had a husband. That didn’t bother me at all and honestly, I was very happy for her. I have sense enough to know that when you get married, you’re supposed to spend the majority of your time with your spouse.
But it really threw me for a loop when she didn’t wanna be bother with her single friends AT ALL. So I said to myself, “If getting married means that I have to treat single people like crap, then I don’t want to get married.” If a person was your friend BEFORE you got a ring on your finger, don’t kill the friendship simply because your marital status has changed….especially if it was a good friendship. Parading all around with your husband on your arm and turning your nose up at a single person is not the move because the minute you start thinking that you’re better than someone else simply because you got married, you might find yourself back in Singleville. So watch how you treat people.
And since I’m on a roll, I might as well touch on this subject as too: I’ve been told several times that most husbands don’t like for their wives to have single friends because they think that their wives’ single friends are gonna try to come in between their marriage and blah, blah, blah. That’s a stereotype that needs to be eliminated. It is very offensive. First of all, single people don’t have the time nor the patience to cater to the insecurities of someone else’s husband, let alone come in between someone’s marriage.
With that being said, quit thinking that we’re gonna wreck your so-called “happy home” because if your home was that happy to begin with, your wife wouldn’t be out there searching for Mr. Sex-All-Night and then coming over to her single friend’s house to confess to her single friend what she did, while drinking a whole bottle of White Zinfandel. If your wife wants to do something, you can best believe that she’s gonna do it whether her single friends are in the picture or not. And why? BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO.
A single person can’t make anyone do anything. So don’t blame the single folks when your wife decides to step outside out of her marriage and do the dirty deed with someone else. Maybe she’s not as happy in her marriage as you thought she was…and a single person doesn’t have anything to do with that. That wife will only allow what she WANTS to allow.
But I will tell you something that some of you husbands may be upset about: A single person has that third eye; the gift of being able to see a relationship from the outside and notice all of the foolishness that’s coming to the surface. Of course, we won’t say anything because it’s not our place to do so. But because we’re not in a relationship, we can see clearer than someone who is in love and that’s mainly because love is blind. I don’t know why that is, but it’s true. But hey, if wifey likes the wool being pulled over her eyes, we love it.
So the moral of my post is this: QUIT JUDGING SINGLE FOLKS BASED OFF OF THEIR MARITAL STATUS. When it comes to me, I’m loving the space that I’m currently in and I love my freedom without having to compromise a thing. Being in love is absolutely beautiful but that’s just not where my head is at right now and if I’m okay with that, then YOU should be okay with that as well. Being single doesn’t make me less of a woman and it won’t make me more of a woman when I end up with the right man. Thank you very much.
Copyright © 2013 by Sonica Jackson
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